Friday, 1 February 2008

file under amusing but tragic........


I can't claim authorship of this, it was sent to me on an e-mail, from an old friend and former colleague. Thanks Phil.

British Army answering machine message :


Thank you for calling the British Army. I'm sorry, but all our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organisation, the region, the specific crisis and a number at which we can call you.

As soon as we have sorted out Kosovo, Bosnia, Macedonia, Serbia, Iraq, Afghanistan, Northern Ireland, Sierra Leone, The Congo, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London and compulsory health and safety at work training, we will return your call.

Please speak after the tone or, if you require more options, listen to the following numbers:

If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press 1 for the Royal Marines.

If it is distant, with a tropical climate, good hotels and can be solved by one or two low-risk bombing runs, please press 2 for the Royal Air Force. Please note that this service is not available after 1630 or at weekends.

If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a warship, some bunting, flags, a damn good cocktail party and a first class marching band, please write, well in advance, to the First Sea Lord, The Royal Navy, Whitehall, London SW1.

If your enquiry is not urgent. Press 3 for the Allied Rapid Reaction Corps.

Thank you for calling and if you are interested in joining the Army (please, please, please, although retention is fine and we are right up to strength) and wish to be paid little, have premature Arthritis, put your wife and family (or gay lover) in a condemned hut miles from civilisation; and are prepared to work day and night whilst watching the Treasury eroding your original terms and conditions and promising a better pension, serving mainly in sandy climes, whilst picking up rubbish and putting out house fires all over the UK, while fireman and binmen have a little holiday; then please stay on the line.

Your call will shortly be passed onto a bitter, passed-over Recruiting
Sergeant in a horrendously fronted, yet grotty little office down by the
railway station.

Have a nice day and thank you again for trying to contact The British Army

9 comments:

photogdownunder said...

Hey Knifepainter, the site is looking really good, new year new look eh! And as for the painting of Laughing boy, now that makes me feel really old! A great likeness too, nice job.Sorry haven't been in touch for a while, been on a course down South Island. Now that's the place for a training camp - overlooking a vineyard!!!Beats Albrighton hands down!Good looking camera that monorail, it should stave off the misery of getting beaten tomorrow in the "big game!"

Ms Smack said...

I really love the site but especially the header picture. That totally pushes my buttons!

knifepainter said...

Photog my man !.......thought you had been posted mate !
Thanks for the compliment on the painting.
Sorry about the beating the Ospreys are gonna get this afternoon.
Still, bit rash fielding a club side.....nes pa ?

Hiya Smack, glad you're still tuning in luv. x

Swearing Mother said...

Loved it!

knifepainter said...

Ta Sweary. x

sally in norfolk said...

oohhh dear and I am hoping my 16 year old son will go to the army foundation college :-(

knifepainter said...

Hey Sally, don't let him know you're worried......he'll just go further faster !

If he goes in, he won't be bored ! x

theblognik said...

Went to an RAF funeral the other day. Honour guard from Marham, flypast, the whole lot.

They'd realy rather be up in their crates, wouldn't they? It was a bit like the boy scouts. I'm sure they're great in the air (okay, I'm not sure, actually), but on the ground I suspect they're the ones who won't have any cord for a bivvy and can't light a Trangia.

Or maybe forces funerals are actually much more human affairs than we Unadepts expect.

Anyway, it was a lovely event, because it was formal but not too much. And there were planes overhead, but not too many.

knifepainter said...

As you say in the post below Blognik,
"Blogging about it is easy".

That goes for commenting on Blogs too.

If those blokes are looking for matches for their Trangia, chances are they or someone else, has already had a bad day.

Per Ardua Ad Astra.